A Piece of My Heart

APOMH

This past week my beautiful twin sister Sarah (pictured) was in the hospital for 5 days. She had pneumonia and a super bug, a virus that is very resistant to antibiotics.

The whole thing came as a huge shock. One week she just has a really bad cold, and the next week she’s in the hospital, with dangerously low vitals. We’re finishing up our senior year and she went into the hospital on our first day back after break. Not ideal.

So grab a snack and get comfy because this story is a doozy, but God has been so good and so real, that I can’t not shout His praise! So here we go.

So to tell this story completely I need to back up to New Years Eve. Sarah and I were leaving for the Passion Conference the next day, but she said that her throat was scratchy. Oh no no no, I said! We had been waiting to go to Passion for a year and she was NOT going to miss it on my watch. Well, I have come to find out that “my watch” isn’t enough. Sarah didn’t get better, she got worse.  She didn’t join us for Passion, in fact she has been down for almost a month, and it will be another 3 and half weeks until her lungs have built all their strength back up.

To put it simply. That sucked. It didn’t seem fair that God was letting all of this junk happen to my buddy. I told my friends it felt like a piece of my heart had been ripped out. On Sarah’s worst night, I cried and cried as I prayed. I will be honest with you, I felt cheated by God. I had just come back from Passion and I was loving life! I felt God walking with me, and loving me fiercely! But as soon as I got home all of this JUNK happened! I got a nail in my tire, there goes $160. Sarah was sick and my whole family came down with a bug too, time to take care of them. But then it went past a bug. Sarah got SO sick. I cried out to God, how dare you! I love you SO MUCH! I am writing a book for you. I have given a terrifying speech for you. I have broken up with people for you. I have done countless hard things for your glory, and THIS is how you repay me? How. dare. you.

That is a scary place to be. My love of God hasn’t changed at all through this. I will always trust God with my life, but I just felt hurt that He would let that happen.

I have surrendered my life to Christ. I trust that He will lead me to the career, and one day husband, and city that I’m supposed to be in. The one thing I didn’t trust Him with was my family. I was talking to a friend of mine today and she said, “I am fine with us going through spiritual warfare because we’re ready for it. We know that it will happen, but I never expected it to touch my family.”

That perfectly summed up how I felt, but here is what I realized. I think God wanted to show me that I could trust Him with EVERYTHING. When you live your life wondering if God would let harm come to one  area of your life, you live your life in fear without even knowing it. It’s almost like in this season of my life God said, “just let me hold it. Once you let me have it I can show you that you can trust me with it. If your the one always holding it, I can never reveal myself to you so deeply, and I can’t bless it with you holding on so tightly. You are only human, and you need to rest too. Let me do what I am meant to do, be God.”

Once I let go. Once I said God I am giving this back to you. Once I said my sister means THE WORLD to me, but she means even more to you than I could EVER imagine! So I trust that you have this under control. Everything wasn’t perfect but oh my gosh THE FREEDOM. I was talking to my best friend Callie today and I could not wipe the smile off of my face. It’s like when it storms one of the worst storms you’ve ever seen, and the next day the limbs are down in your backyard, but it is GREENER than you have ever seen it, and it smells like rain, and birds are all over your yard, and sometimes there is a rainbow! It was DARK. It was LOUD. It seemed HOPELESS. But rain drys up, and then the grass is watered, and it can grow more full and green then ever before.

I think of something like the passion conference like a lawn sprinkler. It can be turned on by man when the grass is dry, and it can water for as long as the man lets it, but eventually the man will turn it off. But real rain, storms, they are RELENTLESS they last for as long as they need to, and they water the grass, and give food to the birds, and GOD is the one in CONTROL! Both give life to the grass, but nothing beats a real life, messy storm!

Thank you Lord for the storm.

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